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A Blog Post

Intimacy: Into Me You See

Intimacy: Into Me You See


(An excerpt from the book – A Sober Mom’s Guide to Recovery – Taking Care of Yourself to Take Care of Your Kids (Hazelden 2015)



Rosemary O’Connor



“Fear is the great enemy of intimacy.

Fear makes us run away from each other or

Cling to each other but does not create true intimacy.”


Intimacy is one of the greatest human needs— that longing for

someone to truly, deeply know and accept us for who we truly

are. We all have a primal human desire to connect with another

person on a deep spiritual and emotional level, a yearning to be

known and understood. We want to know we matter, that

our presence on this planet has a purpose.


Many couples struggle with intimacy and need therapy to

discover their intimacy blocks. Two obvious blocks are infidelity

and addictions. Other blocks, which can hide beneath the surface,

are low self- esteem, unresolved anger, fear of being hurt,

and unrealistic expectations. It takes trust and commitment to

be willing to face these issues, especially if they have been denied

or avoided for a long time. Since most addicts and alcoholics

come into recovery with low self- esteem and unresolved anger, it can take years to work through intimacy issues.

For me, intimacy means I can be honest with the other person

and be myself. I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m

not so they will accept me. I can reveal my true self— the good,

the bad, and the ugly parts of me— to a person with whom I’ve

established the trust that is essential to intimacy. I have learned

that it’s important to “say what I mean, mean what I say, and

don’t say it mean.” I don’t have to twist myself into a pretzel to be who

I think you want me to be.


Revealing my authentic self allowed people to truly know

me and love me, warts and all. Revealing myself while not

being judged by others was the beginning of my compassion

for myself.


Today I am no longer an empty cup, running from person to

person begging each one to fill my cup with acceptance and

love. Today I fill that cup with God’s love, and I have learned

how to love myself, like myself, respect myself, and forgive

myself. I’m able to bring my whole self to my relationships,

and that allows me to give and receive healthy love. This is



Rosemary is a Certified Life & Addiction Coach, and the author of “A Sober Mom’s Guide to Recovery – Taking Care of Yourself to Take Care of Your Kids.” (Hazelden 2015)



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